Small Indulgences

A girlfriend from my old team at work just posted that she has decided to resign from Microsoft to stay home with her two young kids. We would walk for our morning coffee together and most days we discussed the challenges of working full time and having babies at home and how much we wished we could stay home with them. I never would have thought a year later we would both be home and now as I was sitting down to send her an email it made me think about what the biggest adjustments have been. My experience is obviously different given the move and all of the adjustments of living in a new country but some of the basics I’m sure would have been the same had we stayed in Duvall.

I think there is undoubtedly less daily stress staying home with the kids. Jamie was in an offsite back in Redmond last week and was telling me about hearing co-workers mention needing to leave by a set time to pick kids up from day care or the rush of dropping them off before work. I don’t envy the daily tension of home and work and it is a luxury that Jamie and I can now coordinate home and work so that neither feels neglected. That being said there are different stresses I didn’t anticipate. I do find myself overanalysing my parenting much more now than I did before, I no longer have the security of my daily chats with Patsy. Since she was with Kellen all day we could compare notes and I could draw on her years of experience on how to respond.

One of the biggest adjustments is obvious in retrospect but I honestly didn’t anticipate in advance. No long being in the work environment is a huge adjustment, but I don’t mean actually doing the work because staying home is hard work. But just being in an environment like the Microsoft offices where everything is geared for your convenience. The onsite shopping, salon, campus wide wifi and endless drinks everywhere you turn. The difference is you go from spending a large portion of your time in an environment that is catered to you and suddenly you are the one who is creating the environment catering to your kids and husband. At first this didn’t really bother me, we also went through a move and an adjustment to a new house, but over the last few months especially I’ve found myself doing small things that I would have considered indulgent but now are part of my routine.

In our family I am the more frugal one and hate to feel like I’ve wasted money and if I can just get a cheap top at Target I’m happy with that. Recently though I’ve started going to the “nicer” grocery store as my regular store. At first I just went to check it out but the shopping experience was so much nicer, the produce and selection were better and it was actually and enjoyable errand that I haven’t been able to stop myself from going back. Now that we are on one income we are a lot more thoughtful about if and when we eat out so we rarely do. That means that I am feeding a family of 5 everyday out of a kitchen half the size of my old one, this requires at least 2 grocery trips a week. Our fridge and cupboards just don’t hold more than 4 days’ worth of food at a time so I spend a lot of time at the grocery store. I’ve decided it’s worth it to spend a bit more and actually enjoy the experience.

My other indulgence has become flowers. This I’m sure sounds like a piece of advice from a 50’s edition of Good Housekeeping but when you spend most of your time at home I’ve realized it is worth it to make your home somewhere you want to be. I’ve started buying fresh flowers for the house each week. I never before would have actually done this, not only am I buying flowers but I don’t buy the ready bouquet I buy bunches from Costco then arrange them in a couple different vases. Again I know this probably sounds silly but this is a really small house and having bright fresh flowers in a room makes it feel nice in here and makes me smile when I see them. Right now our dining room smells like lilies and that makes my day.

So the thoughts I would share with a friend about to make the transition to staying at home would be that yes you do have to cut back on spending, you no longer get daily lattes but that’s not only due to price but also the fact that you are home and to pack the kids up just to get a coffee isn’t worth it. You will do endless loads of laundry and dishes, chores that you would have split with your husband before are all now yours. You won’t miss a moment with the kids, you will get to experience everything with them and that is so special. What I’m learning is that if it is only about function you’ll start to go crazy. There are things about work that spoil you each day that you don’t realize until you’ve left, not to mention interaction with adults. So while you do need to cut back on most things make sure you do a few little things for yourself. Make the house feel nice you’re going to be spending a lot of time there. But it's worth it.

Something Old and Something New

Jamie periodically has to travel for work, normally it is only for a night or two but due to bad timing and a conference in Seattle Jamie will be gone for 2 weeks, including 2 weekends. So the weekend before he left we wanted Saturday to be a fun family outing day and then on Sunday Momma needed alone time and Daddy had the joy of all 3 kids on his own.

On Saturday we decided to go to Tintern Abby in Wales for the day. We started out in the morning and as we got farther west the fog started to burn off and the sun came out. By the time we got to Wales it was gorgeous out, the sun was bright and it was actually warm. Jamie and I really like the drive out to Wales we’ve done it twice so far. It is only 90 minutes away and you drive through the English countryside, which is pretty, and then cross over a big bridge as you enter Wales, Kellen likes the bridge part, as soon as you cross over you notice there are more hills or small mountains. It feels a bit more like home since England is so flat. It was only 11:30 or so when we got there but with the kids we thought it would be easier to eat before actually going into the Abby so that we could take our time and they could play. That way I could also feed Ella and wouldn’t be stuck nursing in the parking lot. We drove through the little village and didn’t see much other than a touristy café so we decided to keep driving. The next village was really small but there was a pub so we figured that would be our best bet, I jumped out of the car and they didn’t open until 12:00 so we were out of luck. We had resigned ourselves to the fact that we were going to be having lunch in a crowded overprices café when I spotted a sign on the road for the Kingstone Brewery. This is out in the country and surrounded by little villages so we were surprised to see the sign and doubtful that it would work out but figured it was worth turning to see what we could find.

We drove up a dirt road that was essentially all huge potholes and pulled up to a shack like building that contained the brewing equipment and then a questionable sign that said lunch and shop. I figured it was at least worth jumping out to see what it was all about so I got down before we unloaded the family.  I walked up and the first thing I noticed was that it was just a Mom, probably about my age maybe a few years older, and she had kids running around and a baby in her arms. She was chatting with a friend in the kitchen and said I was welcome to go into the main store. When I walked in I couldn’t believe it. Inside the store was awesome, she had a selection of local cheeses, meats, beers, a beautiful display of veggies, it was a real life version of whole foods. The menu was only about 4 items and I asked if they were serving lunch yet since it was empty. She thought for a minute and said, “Sure, my bread just came out of the oven so I can start now”. That did it for me, fresh baked bread and good cheese, what more do we need?

We piled out of the car and the weather was so nice we sat at a picnic table outside. Immediately the kids were playing and running around, she had a whole group of kids of her own so it was totally stress free to know ours weren’t bothering anyone. Jamie and I were laughing that Kellen picked up a stick and Jamie started telling him to be careful and we look over and her son had a full branch he was swinging around. We just ordered the ploughman’s lunch, you see a version of this on most pub menus, it’s usually a cheese, bread and meat platter. She mentioned that she’s experimenting with meat pies and did we mind trying a few of those, which of course we were happy to do. Then the kids got a homemade pizza. We figured we couldn’t go wrong by ordering some basics.  We ended up getting a table full of fresh bread, a great salad with avocado, local cheeses, spreads and (sort of) cold beer. The food was delicious, the beer was good, the sun was out and the kids were happy running around. It was one of those moments where you sit back and think, wow we are really lucky.

After our amazing meal we went down to Tintern Abby and it was so much fun. The site is really well preserved so it was a lot of fun to walk around and really be able to see how the building was used as far back as the 12^th century. Historic sites like these are getting to be family favourites because they are interesting and educational for Patrick while also being outside and easy to tour places for Kellen.

Knowing Jamie was going to be gone the 2^nd goal for the weekend was for me to get some alone time. If I’m not careful I can find myself going quite a while without time to myself and I start to get a little nutty. Sunday morning we had breakfast together and then I jumped on a train and went into London for the afternoon. I can’t image trying to commute in everyday but for a day excursion on the weekend I enjoy taking the train. It is only 30 to 45 minutes depending on the train you catch so it’s nice to sit and read both there and back. I got off and took the tube to the Southwark station and walked to the Tate Modern. It was really nice to be able to jump on and off the tube without worrying about strollers or diaper bags.

I spent a few hours viewing the galleries there were some really interesting exhibits. There were also a few that I just didn’t get but I freely admit I am not well versed in modern art. There was a series on New Documentary Forms that was really interesting, in particular a series on American Power and a series on Lebanon. The highlight for me was a series of work by John Hartfield they were photomontages for AIZ (Arbeiter-Illustrierte Zeitung, Workers’ Illustrated Magazine) criticizing the Nazi regime. Unfortunately the images aren’t online but they were amazing and to think they were done in Germany during such a dangerous time makes them all the more interesting.

We haven’t taken the kids to any museums yet because we assume young kids will disturb others. I was amazed at how vibrant the museum was. There were families with young children, there was an area for the under 5’s to play. The museum was far from quite, people were talking and laughing, kids were being kids, and no one seemed to mind. The lack of pretension was refreshing.  I actually got to sit and have a long lunch out before catching the train back.

All in all it was a great weekend all around. It was also the perfect example of what I love about where we live. In one weekend we were able to drive through the countryside and tour a site that dates back to 1131 and the next day you are in the middle of London viewing modern art.

Giggle Girl

Each day she gets bigger and more interactive. Hopefully this brings a smile to your face like it did mine.

Toddler Terror

Calm after the storm.

Life with a toddler can be such a joy, Kellen can be the sweetest little guy, ready with cuddles, kisses and goofy things that make me laugh. But… oh my god when will the tantrums stop?! When Jamie and I started dating Patrick was just 2 years old. While we weren’t living together I was very involved with Patrick through his toddler years, I remember the crying and some throwing of fits. When Kellen was born I remember thinking the whole baby thing is new but I feel confident when it comes to dealing with a toddler. Boy was I wrong, I’ve learned 2 important lessons, siblings can be incredible different from each other and the term terrible twos is an understatement.

Don’t get me wrong, Kellen is not all naughty. Yesterday we went to get his haircut and he sat so nicely, made his version of conversation with the lady and said thank you at the end. The women at the salon were fawning over him saying what a well behaved angel he is. Then we stopped at the Waitrose Café for a quick lunch and the older couple at the table next to us commented on what well behaved children they are. While as the Mom I think they are mostly perfect and take these compliments as confirmation that my kids are extraordinary, I also know we have a secret lurking in the background that could be exposed at any minute. Kellen is a terrible tantrum thrower.

Take this morning for example, he is currently obsessed with only wearing football clothes and I’ve convinced him that adidas sweat suits are football trousers, so we are picking out which football shirt he will wear with his football trousers. He gets dressed is all smiles and then for no apparent reason the switch is flipped and I have a little terror on my hands. This usually involves crying/screaming, flailing, throwing toys and yelling, it is unbelievable how quickly he can go from happy guy to out of control. Then once the tantrum starts there is no one solution to make it end. Now we have been having tantrums since around the time he turned 2 so it’s been a while, I’ve read book and articles on how to respond to your toddler, make them feel heard/loved/supported.  Through these calm parenting measures you can magically take a frantic toddler and somehow reason with them. None of these seem to work for me.

So now we have a toddler in a full tantrum, a baby who usually starts crying at this point due to hearing her brother cry and a Momma trying to remain calm. I’ve tried ignoring the tantrum, reasoning with him, time outs, etc. Time outs did work for a period but now he just gets up and walks away, so now I have a choice to make, do I put him back in time out repeatedly or ignore the behaviour? If you read one article it says they are doing this for attention so by wrestling them into time out again and again you are just giving them the desired attention and affirming that bad behaviour gets them the desired result. Another article will say that you have to enforce time out to be consistent and consistency is key in setting limits for your child, it will make them feel safe and confident. As I spend time trying to decipher which route to take he is getting more upset and eventually I throw all the advice out the window take some toys away, raise my voice and move on.

Here is where it gets really good though. Raised in a catholic family I think there is something inherent in using guilt as a parenting tool. It was my loving Abuelita that would say take one more bite of dinner if you love me, and then if you refused to eat she would act wounded that you didn’t love her. This would then continue through all family members, parents, aunts, uncles until your plate was cleaned. As I got older being told my parents were disappointed wash crushing, guilt was incredibly effective with me. So once Kellen is done screaming I go in and tell him that Momma is not very happy and he was very naughty, my lovely boy turns to me and says “stop talking”. About 10 minutes later Kellen is calmed down and he comes to me and says “You happy Momma?” in a sweet and somewhat worried voice. This is where he really gets me because it’s so sweet and I feel so guilty for trying to make him feel guilty. Ahhh, it’s backfired and I’ve actually guilted myself!

We have good days and bad days. If it’s a multiple tantrum day this is when I’ll start daydreaming about going back to work and wondering what it is I’m doing wrong. Surely my sweet nieces and nephews were never so stubborn and out of control. If it is a good day I’ll just move on and ignore the fact that I’m terrified, if this is Kellen at 2 I don’t even want to think of him at 16. When Jamie gets home from work I’ll recount the entire episode for him and somehow I can’t quite capture the horror of it all and sounds like a normal toddler fit, this is usually what gives me some perspective. The one thing we do agree is that I need some more time out of the house. We are going to instate Mom’s day out where at least once a month I leave for a day to do whatever I want all by myself, no kids, not even Ella. Ella by the way inches closer to toddlerhood each day, I can tell she is watching and taking notes and just what buttons to push and when…